by Cheenu Tiwari
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Middle aged man, graying hair, bald spot. Came alone. He’s seated very comfortably on the examination table, thanks to the foam padding. I make note of that as I walk in--we need to put some in the surrounding chairs as well. It’s not just the patients who I’m trying to help.
I also catch the look on his face. His eyes widen a little as he looks at me, abruptly cutting his gaze away from the mural on the wall.
“Mr. Dotiante, I’m glad to meet you.” As I shake his hand, I say, “I hope I didn’t butcher the last name.”
He smiles, and his handshake grows more firm. “Of course not.” Success. I’ve pierced the first wall.
Pulling out a chair, I sit down--not facing him directly, but instead such that my body is perpendicular to the direction his body is oriented. It makes them trust me more, probably because I look more collaborative than confrontational. I’m on their side, on their level, and I’m not positioning myself as an authority figure. “I’ve been thinking a lot about you. What you’ve been through...I don’t know how you’ve been getting by.”
Mr. Dotiante shakes his head. “I really haven’t. That pain in my back, it’s been with me for months. It started last April…” He keeps going, and I keep listening. If you actually give a damn about what they’re saying, people will know, and they’ll keep talking. After twenty seconds or so, most doctors will find a moment to interrupt, because, well, they can’t sit around all day for one person. But I’ve scheduled a whole hour for this appointment. We’ve got time.
Finally, he stops. I nod, feeling the gravity of his state. “That is rough. You’re probably not very happy with the way the other doctors have treated you.”
“Yeah! They all suggested different approaches, but once they ran through all the possibilities, they gave up!” He goes on again, and I listen, feeling his pain and frustration. Five minutes later, he closes by saying, “Everyone knows how much of a miracle you are. That’s why I came to you.”
I grin and lower my head. “I don’t think much about how often I succeed or not. But I am glad you came to me. Here, may I take a look at your back? If you don’t mind, that is.”
Physical contact is a strange thing. If a complete stranger pats your back, that’s awkward, but if someone you know and respect does it, that forms a bond. A lot doctors don’t do physical examinations for diagnostic purposes. They do it to connect, because at some point, words can only do so much to cross the wall. At some point, you have to actually reach across to form the bridge.
Once I finish, I sit back down and say, “I’m really surprised by the diagnoses the other doctors gave you. It doesn’t seem to be as big a deal as they’ve been making it to be.”
His eyes light up. “Wait, so I don’t have to do surgery?”
I shake my head. “No way. You don’t want to do that at all. I think it’s actually…”
Five minutes later, he walks out the room, and heads to the pharmacy next door to grab his prescription. Already his gait is much straighter. I imagine his soreness is already half gone. By evening it will be completely finished.
I head back to my office and start entering a record of the appointment. You don’t want to be typing on a computer in front of the patient. Whatever you do on a keyboard, do it after the appointment. I saw other doctors do that during residency--and I saw the look on patients’ faces as they did it.
SUBJECT CAME IN REPORTING BACK PAIN. SEE MEDICAL RECORDS FOR CONDITION DETAILS. MET MANY DOCTORS BUT PAIN STILL RECURRING.
I’m a doctor. But I’m also a last resort. The people who come to me have gone virtually everywhere--not just in the country but also abroad. They know my reputation. A 100% success rate. Miracle cures. Immense empathy. And they come to me when they realize that I’m the only one who can help them.
DID PHYSICAL EXAMINATION OF LOWER BACK. EVIDENCE OF SORENESS, IRRITATION BEYOND SUBSURFACE PAIN.
What they don’t realize is that every treatment I prescribe is bullshit.
EVIDENCE POINTS TO DIAGNOSIS LESS GRAVE THAN THAT PROVIDED BY OTHER PHYSICIANS.
The “pharmacy” that’s in my clinic just gives everyone Vitamin C pills.
RECOMMEND DAILY DOSE OF TABLETS TO ALLEVIATE PAIN. ALSO RECOMMEND HERBAL EXTRACTS AS OUTLINED BELOW.
The real work has already been done. My reputation as a miracle last resort precedes me. I act modest about it, and in doing so, I only further it. When patients actually come in, they aren’t disappointed. The stereotypical medical stuff--sterile surfaces, hand sanitizer dispensers--is all there, but it’s masked by the plush surfaces, the velvet carpeting, the dim lighting. Patients don’t see that in hospitals. It’s something totally different to them.
WILL CONDUCT FOLLOWUP APPOINTMENT IN THREE WEEKS.
The thing is, people are in far more control of their bodies than the realize. Just by thinking about things the right way, someone can rid herself of the flu in two days rather than two weeks. It’s a scientific phenomenon--and I take it to a whole new level. They say that some people are able to accomplish incredible physical feats, such as losing an arm without flinching. Those rare freaks know how to think the right way. The rest of us have to be tricked into that state of being. My job is not to do miracles on people. My job is to deceive them into doing miracles on themselves.
I don’t know how I came to this realization, or how only I have been able to use it so effectively. Maybe it was during my rounds in residency, when I was talking to patients, that I noticed something about who got better the fastest. Maybe it was during my fellowship. Or maybe even in med school. What I do know is that by the time I accomplished my first “miracle,” I had all the tools in the bag--except reputation, but that came very quickly thereafter.
Am I a conman? I don’t know. I’m wasting maybe an hour of their lives, out of the hundreds they’ve spent in and out of the hospital, screwing with their heads.
My work is free. No patient who comes in pays me a single cent.
Yes, I’m breaking thousands of rules and protocols, and I can be in serious shit if I’m caught. But is anyone complaining? Nobody knows what I’m up to. Everyone’s happy: the patients, because they cure themselves; the other doctors, because I’m only a last resort; me, because everyone who comes to me improves.
I’m cheating the system. I’m cheating people. But everyone else is cheating the cause. Am I really that wrong, for giving patients the relief they deserve?
SIGNED, DOCTOR __________, M.D.
Critique
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This is the third piece of yours that I’m reviewing, so I think by this point I have a pretty good feel for your writing. I think I noted in my first critique that your writing got better and better as the story progresses—the same applies here. Your ending was perfect—I especially love the added touch of leaving out the doctor’s name.
I have a few overall changes I want to note, but mainly I want to focus on line-by-line edits. I’ve already gone through the major talking points of your writing in my last two critiques. I’d encourage you to look at what I highlighted there and think about how you can apply it here (though I noticed a huge improvement in lots of areas!)
Here’s some of my nitpick-y edits:
“…we need to put some in the surrounding chairs as well. It’s not just the patients who I’m trying to help.” This read odd to me for some reason, especially that last sentence. I’d delete either that part or the whole thing.
“…not facing him directly, but instead such that my body is perpendicular…” You can shrink down this sentence quite a bit. Try “…not facing him directly, but perpendicular, so my knees face his side.”
“I’m on their side, on their level…” I get what you’re saying here, but it feels repetitive since you already said “It makes them trust me more…collaborative rather than confrontational” in the previous sentence. You can either shorten this or delete it altogether—you’ve already gotten your point across.
“A lot doctors don’t do physical examinations…” Typo! It should be “A lot of doctors…”
“Once I finish, I sit back down…” You don’t have to dwell a long time on this, but I’d like a little more action as he’s doing the inspection. Right now there’s just a lot of introspection. Take that time to describe the patient’s body language, maybe the doctor’s annoyance at performing an exam that’s ultimately unnecessary.
“By evening it will be completely finished.” It reads a little funny to describe pain as being finished. How about “By evening, it will have dissolved to a prick” or simply “…it will have vanished”?
“…people are in far more control of their bodies than the realize.” Typo— “the” should be “they”.
A larger change that I’d suggest is to reanalyze your description of the passage of time. For example, when the patient is describing his symptoms, you fade out: “Five minutes later, he closes…” and “Five minutes later, he walks out of the room.” You’re right—you probably shouldn’t spend time describing that entire conversation. It isn’t necessary. But is there a better way you can phrase the passage of time? Maybe the doctor is acting like he’s paying attention, but his eyes keep shifting to the clock?
Like I already said, this piece got even better towards the end. Your choice to intertwine the report and the narration was such a good decision. There was correlation between the line he wrote and the narration afterwards and that made me really happy. Earlier in the story, you have a great continued thread of piercing/crossing a wall and forming a bridge. I loved that! I’d even suggest pulling that into the end of the story, too.
As always, excellent work and thank you for sharing!