By Tim Skapek
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There is a monotony to the days: In and out, up and down, Constantly vying for a foothold That refuses to hold the weight of these prancing feet.
The line becomes blurred, Now a memory, albeit so recent And already forgotten, Dissolving the laminar barrier between reality and emotion.
It is true, unadulterated joy That sucks his feet into the Earth.
Enthralling each victim with the prospect
Of never letting go.
So there he stands, Gazing up into the face of God, Not yet realizing that twinkling stars
Form nothing more than a mirror.
Without hope of grasping this beauty We turn away, Departing the forgetful sands of consciousness
For a road more traveled.
Perhaps one day he will
Look at the grime Between his toes and Pick out that heavenly face.
And for our sanity, We pray to the stars That that day is not far off, And with it the rosé spectacles of beauty.
Critique
I am not going to impose my own interpretation onto your poem, in case it doesn’t align with your intentions while writing it. Overall, the poem is good. However, I sense some “loose ends” located in what I consider to be crucial parts of the poem. With some finessing, the reading experience would be much smoother:
1. The first two stanzas feel somewhat disconnected from the poem. They are general and abstract in a way that contrasts with the more descriptive, personal language of the rest of the poem. This makes it difficult to understand what their “point” is and how they fit into the larger piece. Aligning the style of the first two stanzas with that of the rest of the poem would make it easier to see what you’re trying to “get at.”
Please expand on what is meant by “true, unadulterated joy.” What is this joy, and what does it have to do with the first two stanzas? I’m subheading this under point 1) because I see it as a symptom of the first two stanzas not “blending in” with the rest.
2. “Not yet realizing that twinkling stars form nothing more than a mirror” seems like a crucial line but the metaphor does not read or feel intuitive (unlike water or glass, the sky doesn’t have a reflective aspect that would make a mirror metaphor intuitive). I would perhaps choose a better metaphor or finesse this one, making sure to center and emphasize the image of the mirror, which seems crucial to the message of your larger piece.
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