by Anthony Cardellini
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Today there is an empty-handed traveler.
See––he stands straight ahead, sulking, in the middle of the security line. Outside the tarmac sparkles in the morning air. Sleepy planes roll from gate to runway: red eyes against gray skies.
The man looks down at his shoes. One of them has come untied. His languid limbs whimper and his shoulders sag, but his eyes are frantic as he holds out his boarding pass.
––Where to?
Houston, maybe. Sometimes it’s Seattle, or St. Louis. In rare cases Milwaukee, or Atlanta, or Baltimore.
Regardless, the agent will hand back the slip of paper. Later, during her lunch break, she’ll mention what she saw to her coworkers, the conversation dotted with phrases like “looked down,” “checked a bag?” “every once in a while,” “definitely different.” Then she’ll go home, make soup, forget about the man until a couple months later when the next empty-handed traveler shuffles through.
But he has not disappeared. Watch him walk through the terminal. See him step past storefronts selling shirts advertising the city he wishes to escape. He goes by water fountains, restaurants, bars, the empty airport chapel, by sleeping couples, restless children, teens flying alone for the first time, gates to Dallas, Phoenix, New York, two young boys sticking a fake wall outlet on a silver pillar. He walks weighed down not by bags but by whatever happened last night, whatever this world did to him to inspire his empty-handed traveling.
All in all, his walk from the end of security to his gate takes twelve minutes. Boarding accounts for another thirty-five. On the plane, a woman next to him, noticing he has no carry-ons or personal items, slides her bag underneath his feet as he sleeps.
When he wakes, he will be in a new city. Maybe his suicide will be complete. Maybe he will find his saving grace. He will walk out of the airport carrying nothing in his hands, dragging nothing behind him, with nothing on his back. There is only the white wrinkled boarding pass in his left pocket. The other people have barely noticed him. But now that he is gone, swallowed by the city, they will breathe a subconscious, collective sigh of relief. The airport signs will seem to shine slightly brighter. The laughter will sound just a bit louder. Another empty-handed traveler has come through, but the universe has self-corrected. Everyone on every flight will have some sort of bag for days and weeks to come.
Critique
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Your imagery in this piece is beautiful! Some of my favorite phrases: “red eyes against gray skies”, “his languid limbs whimper”—even “the empty airport chapel” sets the mood perfectly because this man has some kind of emptiness in his soul. Each image is clearly well chosen. From reading your other story (Untitled #2) and then coming into this one, I once again experience your well-established voice.
There’s nothing major I would alter about this story. It’s short, concise, and flows well—I like that we follow the man from security through the terminal and onto the plane in progression. It carries all of your description nicely.
Because this story is so concise, your every word matters. Here are a few places I think you can tighten up your word choice or phrasing:
Paragraph 5: I’d change “…whatever happened last night” to “what happened last night”. “Whatever” seems nonchalant to me, like it didn’t really matter. It clearly did if it caused this man to leave the city. “What happened last night” also adds mystery—it makes me want to be clued in.
The paragraph before the last: “…no carry-ons or personal items” seems repetitive, as any carry-on would be a personal item. I’d delete “personal item”. If you really want to keep that (for example, to emphasize that this man doesn’t have family, anything personal worth keeping, etc.), I’d rephrase the entire phrase, maybe to something like “…noticing he carried [brought, etc.] on no personal items”.
Last paragraph: I just wanted to point out I love the “…dragging nothing behind him”. “Dragging” works so well here. Suitcase, burdens, his past…it works for everything. Fantastic word choice.
I’m going to point out just a few things in the last few sentences I think could be improved upon. First: “The laughter will sound just a bit louder.” Be careful with words such as “sound”, “look”, etc. There’s almost always a stronger substitute. For example: “The laughter will resound [chime, peal, ring, echo—whatever, really]…”
“Another empty-handed traveler has come through, but the universe has self-corrected.” I’m not a fan of the use of “has” here. What if you reworked the sentence: “Another empty-handed traveler came through, but the universe self-corrected.” And while we’re at it, we can add a stronger substitute for “came through”: “tramped through”, “trudged through”, “slogged through”, etc.
“Everyone on every flight…” This is a good sentence. It’s functional. But I think you can do better for a last sentence. It doesn’t quite have that wow factor.
Like I said—no major changes. Structurally, this story is very sound. And your vivid descriptions are as perfect as ever, down to “two young boys sticking a fake wall outlet on a silver pillar”. Talk about feeling like I’m actually there.
Thank you for sharing!