By Jimshad Farooque-Wooden
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When I heard moans and screams, I thought they were just watching something on TV My neighbor seemed very friendly My neighbor was always kind to me We went to the same school We knew each other for a few years We were both very outgoing We were both respected by our peers My neighbor was very high-achieving Very studious and hard-working But I realized as I was reading Façades can be deceiving Not to say my neighbor put up a front Nor disguised their identity I just thought ‘bout how no one Comes from a pure-bred pedigree And behind closed doors I knew nothing about that life About the pains and the sores About the tears in the night About the battles and struggles About the victories and defeats About the thoughts and the puzzles Of the mind tossing in those sheets Living right next to me I felt I knew so much But there was more to the mystery More feeling than I could touch Much more that lied deeper Than I was allowed to travel Much more that lied dormant That my neighbor hadn’t even unraveled Behind the smiles my neighbor wore I didn’t notice the grievance I didn’t notice the fatigue I didn’t notice the demons I didn’t notice the way my neighbor had struggled to focus I didn’t know about the hurts my neighbor struggled to cope with I didn’t know bout the worries my neighbor had about health I didn’t know many things and I wouldn’t know how to help I noticed that they aint drink I noticed that they aint smoke I noticed they were kind-hearted Noticed the words that they spoke Sometimes just kickin out jokes My neighbor tried to make us laugh I noticed that when we studied
They seemed to have a promising path They seemed to like musical art I noticed my neighbor’s moles Noticed my neighbor’s big heart
I didn’t notice the holes Didn’t know how my neighbor filled them Didn’t use any drugs Didn’t have anyone here Didn’t have any plugs I didn’t notice the guilt I didn’t notice the shame I didn’t notice the times They felt unworthy of their name I didn’t notice the sadness I didn’t know my neighbor’s passions I didn’t know about the loneliness Or bout my neighbor’s reactions Or about the distractions About the things my neighbor used About the fights against madness About things my neighbor abused I noticed about some things My neighbor was a fanatic But I had no idea I lived next door to an addict
Critique
First of all, thank you so much for submitting to our Spring Poetry Contest! I personally really enjoyed this piece. Keep in mind that any critique I give is just advice and, as this is your work, it remains yours to adjust as you wish.
Your starting and ending lines were both very strong—the screams & TV instantly drew me in, and your final four lines had great rhythm and really packed a punch. I got chills the first time I read them. There wasn't too much of a sense of rhythm throughout the rest of the poem, which I think worked. We took a meandering, twisting stroll through the neighbor's subconscious. However, some of the lines seemed like very traditional poetry ("But I realized as I was reading / Façades can be deceiving") while others broke the mold completely and read almost like prose ("My neighbor tried to make us laugh / I noticed that when we studied / They seemed to have a promising path").
While I understand you probably don't want this to read too poem-y, the falling in and out of rhythm does tend to jolt me in and out of the story a little. In the case above, it could be a simple fix. I'd take out "that" in "I noticed that when we studied", and then the meter works for me. If you do choose to make this change, I think it would just be a simple matter of going through and tweaking syllabes/emphasis.
You have a great way of painting a picture here. There's some lines I think you can enrich even more. For example: "I didn’t notice the holes / Didn’t know how my neighbor filled them." Obviously this line works perfectly fine as is. But I'd love to see some gritty imagery about filling the holes. A rusty shovel, dirt smeared on their face?
One last little thing: this is nitpick-y, but I think you can remove some of the "bout/about"s in the poem. For example, "I didn’t know about the loneliness / Or bout my neighbor’s reactions / Or about the distractions..." I think the first "bout" can be removed: "Or my neighbor's reactions." Because of the rhythm, the second one works just fine.
Again, these are just suggestions! The message of this poem was very powerful and I genuinely enjoyed it. Thank you again for your submission!