by James Benjamin ...................................................................................
I love the darkened circles marked on the table,
On closer glimpse different shades can be seen
As the hand’s force wavers upon action.
I feel myself in those gloried curves.
A wood so staid in fidelity,
In the Norman forests you are conscious.
To touch the brittle bark and tear it away and hug its core.
Tall figures with giant armed branches hinder light,
Yet pockets emerge sparsely and so I marvel at
The miracle grace and put down my axe.
I would keep the table a single.
At four I crushed a crayon into its leg
The green scab remains and so do the stains
While the tan of placemats soon to be cured,
As we are insatiable for we have been granted the right
For we are not despots because of our philosophy.
Out of the corner of my eye, I catch sight
Of a dogtag, mechanical and bronze
Unashamed to live in its corner
Amongst the holocaust forest.
I would keep the table a single.
The table is old and must retire to be our veteran,
All say it fought its war, their axes are raised,
They think in hunger for the widening gyre was defeated.
I love the darkened circles marked on the table,
But I should not ask for too much, the war was never won.
I hold it in my hand as it is not cold.
It leads me to its master of uniform and bones
Against the sorrowed trees he lies in peace
A bullet lodged in his skull which he regrets.
I would keep the table a single.
In the kitchen corner the table watches on
As its idle years are loved by me alone
And we weep together for the years to come
As its replacement is replaced without my solace
For it was always too much for me and me alone.
His metacarpal is rested over his shirt pocket,
Joints inured as they have been at peace there
For so long. I move them to find a photo of a girl
Her neat bob which made her mouth gape in Joy.
I would keep the table a single.
Critique
...................................................................................
Hi James,
This is a gorgeous piece. Your dual approach to storytelling was excellent—rather than confusing or muddling the narrative, it deepened its scope and emotional impact.. Your writing demonstrates an exceptional level of skill and understanding of poetic devices. Outside of a few small points, I have little constructive criticism for this piece.
1) I would space out the verses from each other, if only for the aesthetic effect. From the way you’ve formatted the italicized verses, you’ve clearly taken aestheticism into consideration, so this may be a personal decision on your part, but spacing out the verses would give some breathing room and allow for moments of rhythmic pause.
2) Ambiguity can definitely be a good thing, but there were a few lines that could be clearer. The line “They think in hunger for the widening gyre was defeated” can be interpreted several ways—what is meant by “the widening gyre”? Do they “think in hunger” because “the widening gyre was defeated”?
Again: this is a beautiful poem, and I hope to see more of your writing. The melancholy refrain of “I would keep the table a single” really ties everything together, bolstered by the fact that its full meaning is only realized slowly over the course of the poem. Thank you for sharing your work!